Friday, February 29, 2008

Why



JAR asked me why I like him. I emailed him my answer. Then I asked him why he likes me and I got his reply. After getting his ok, I decided to publish the following extracts.



Why I like JAR?



I like u because u have the ability to love in a way which u are not even aware of.


U love ur family in the way I love mine.....even tho somedays each one can actually be a pain in the butt.


I like u cos u give ur all when u do ur work. I actually 'see' u as a genius in what u do. U keep trying even tho u face opposition along the way. I think u can actually be an inventor if u put ur mind to it.


I like u because of the person u have turned out to be from all ur experiences in life...some of which I know have been too painful. U could have become vengeful and full of hatred but u are not.


I like u because u are not perfect. What someone else may see as 'wierd' I see as being 'unique'.


I like u because u let me be the 'real' me.


U dont have expectations from me.


I like u cos I become a better 'me' when I am with u.


I like u cos 'we' feel right



Why JAR likes me.



Why do I like you ?


Well it is mostly because you seem to accept me no matter what.


Sometimes I am Ostrich man; sometimes I am naked man. I want to look in all the corners, climb the trees, eat the bananas off the neighbor's tree, keep a towel balanced on my head (L trip).


I feel at ease to pretty much be myself no matter how bizzare.


We peed in the river, rode the walkway thru S aquarium round and round 3 times carrying a bunny.


You are pretty much self sufficient, you work, you have your own money, your own condo and choose to spend time with me not because you have to, but because you like to; at least I think so.


I can pretty much trust you with anything. I could leave a thousand dollars in cash on the bed and you would give it back to me.


You seem to be always the same no matter how I am at the moment, always kind, always caring, always thoughtful.


If I was in trouble you would be the first person to come running to aid me.


I am comfortable with you.




Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Wee(read pee)kend


I had a painful weekend. Got up Sunday and found it difficult to pee.
Went to a 24 hour clinic and was given some antibiotics. How long does it take for the antibiotics to work? Too long I found out. I was slowly able to pee but too much water was already logged in my bladder. I had a painful Monday. Went to work anyways as I had stuff to complete. I took the afternoon off and visited my normal doctor. He immediately wrote a letter to the nearest hospital as I was already in pain.
I went to the emergency room. I was first interviewed by a nurse and then a doctor. They made me lie on one of the beds. It was an almost half hour wait before they returned to give me a jab before catherterisng me. There was in excess of 1,000 ml of urine removed.
I felt better even though the genitals hurt whenever I peed afterwards.
I did end up going to see my brother's proposed penthouse even whilst I was in pain. It has a large terrace where the kids would love to play. I do foresee problems if the elevators are not well maintained since it so high up in the skies.
JAR reports that he has seen two houses, none of which impresses him. I am ok with buying a house then renovating it to suit your personal wants and needs.

Friday, February 22, 2008

house and home


JAR finds his eyes improving by the day. I keep on with my prayers.
In this morning's email he tells me that tomorrow morning he will be looking at a a house 'in distress' with W, an old friend who does appraisals.
That excites me quite a bit. Wouldnt it be lovely if he actually finds a house that could become our home!
Looking at potential homes seems to be this weekend's theme. My brother has also invited mom and I to give our opinions on a possible condo buy. Buying a home is such a major investment. It would be wise for bro to make a purchase at his age. He could even buy one for investment purposes. Mom would prefer that he gets a landed property but the choice is in his hands.
JAR and I on the other hand have both experienced property purchases.
He of course even built his 'castle' house but lost it in the divorce. I have told him that I do NOT want huge houses. Just something small enuff for easy maintainence but large enuff to accept visitors...we both come from reasonable sized families and their presence in our lives is important.
The term 'condo' in the USA implies a individual ownership of a unit in a multiunit structure. Where I come from it is also a place of residence in a multiunit structure that has all the desired facilities of security, gym, playground, swimming pool, etc. Thus it is a more expensive form of residence as compared to an apartment.
I bought my condo recently and will be paying it off for many many years to come. If JAR buys a new property it will also mean more payments to come. Are we young enuff for this? True, buying property is an investment but would it mean we end up as slaves to mortages?
Arent the birds in the pic the lucky ones? They find a jar (sic!), build a nest in it, make it a home and its all free!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Sunshine thru clouds


I am so thankful.
I prayed hard for JAR. Thats the best thing to do when there's nothing else you can possibly do in a situation.
This morning I got an email from JAR. The pain has receeded. His vision is clearing. The latest doctor says he has 20:20 vision on his left eye. Looks like things are moving on fine. He still has to be careful and there are follow up appointments to deal with. But for now, it looks like the sun is shining thru the clouds once more.
BTW I got the above photo from Yahoo and I think it originated from http://www.flickr.com/photos/virgomerry/ Must give credit where it is due.

On the beauty front, my skin is holding out great with the third edition cream. It looks healthier and I have been using it for all of three days. No drastic change in the remaining pigmentations but hey, I gotta give it a little time, right?

Little niece has a birthday party to attend to this weekend. Her new friend at school is turning 3. The party is being held at the kids sports and gym center. We bought the friend's present last weekend and mommy also managed to wrangle an extra invitation for her little sister. Its so much fun following the kids thru all their 'firsts'....first birthday party, first, day at school, first tooth, first everything. See, I dont need to have a kid of my own to go thru all that!

I am looking forwards to this weekend. I worked thru last weekend and its taken a toll on my body. I need to recuperate.

I must end today's blog with a prayer of thanks again.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Dark Clouds


Just when we thought the skies were clearing, a new challenge has presented itself.
JAR discovers he has vitreous detachment which we discover is quite a common problem where the retina detaches, and it is lifted or pulled from its normal position. If not promptly treated, retinal detachment can cause permanent vision loss.
JAR had light flashes and a blurry vision. He has seen the doctor and tomorrow will see the third doctor for his opinion.
The net says of vitreous detachment.....
"Most of the eye's interior is filled with vitreous, a gel-like substance that helps the eye maintain a round shape. There are millions of fine fibers intertwined within the vitreous that are attached to the surface of the retina, the eye's light-sensitive tissue. As we age, the vitreous slowly shrinks, and these fine fibers pull on the retinal surface. Usually the fibers break, allowing the vitreous to separate and shrink from the retina. This is a vitreous detachment. In most cases, a vitreous detachment is not sight-threatening and requires no treatment.
As the vitreous shrinks, it becomes somewhat stringy, and the strands can cast tiny shadows on the retina that you may notice as floaters, which appear as little "cobwebs" or specks that seem to float about in your field of vision. If you try to look at these shadows they appear to quickly dart out of the way. One symptom of a vitreous detachment is a small but sudden increase in the number of new floaters. This increase in floaters may be accompanied by flashes of light (lightning streaks) in your peripheral, or side, vision. In most cases, either you will not notice a vitreous detachment, or you will find it merely annoying because of the increase in floaters....."
Of course I am terrified. It does not help that he is so far away. If there is nothing I could do, the very least would have been to give him a hug and support. Even that is physically is not possible. Imagine the fear he must be going thru.
I believe that every cloud has its silver lining. Something good MUST be coming from all of this.
I have searched the net and what it says is you need to get immediate help from the specialists.
I know JAR is doing all that is necessary. He is great at getting professional help.
I need to give him an 'everything will be ok' hug.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Whenever I get invited to watch a movie (which isnt often except when I go on vacations), my main requirement is that it needs to be one with a happy ending. Hmmm. Prolly thats part of the reason I dont get too many invitations huh?
Why do I need a happy ending? For me seeing a movie is about taking a break from reality. I get to absorb someone else's adventures, problems, romance, life for two hours. Why would I want to end up feeling sad and hopeless at the end of the session.
Maybe its also in the hope that when my personal life story ends, it will also do so on a happy note.
Right now the story of my life is on grey areas.
Our 'hero' has calmed down somewhat. He is still searching for some definite direction but at least he is no longer on an anxiety mode.
I on the other hand, am on a busy mode at work. I work myself to death so that I end the day completely exhausted; too tired to worry about anything except sleep.
We will make it thru this. After all we have ridden over bigger waves in the past.
When God places two people thousands of miles in origin to share faith in each other, they both become stronger people than they originally were.

On a beauty note, the company that produces the product I use has come up with a third edition of its skin cream. I liked the first edition but the second edition was a total waste....it brought back some of the dark spots. I have just started the third edition last night. So far so good....I almost believe there is a slight improvement even after one application! My good frien L, the beautician also started her third edition at the same time. We both think we are going to end up Oh sooooooooooo pretty!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Pleasures


I like Valentine's day.

Not for all the superficial stuff of expensive roses, perfumes, chocolates, cards, etc. but for the part where we take a moment of our time to actually say our 'I love you' .

JAR and I are going thru some tough times currently. Today we both took a moment to show how important the other is.

Suddenly my world is wonderful again. My gas tank of happiness is filled.

In my heart I have always known that I love and am loved but the joy of having it written out loud (due to the our not being in the same place) is humongous.

This have given me an added ooomph and the courage to face the days ahead.

Some people (using religion as a base) criticise the practice of a day of love declaration. Today, however, I am glad such a day exists.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

headache aagin

Its back. The painful headaches.
I used to get bad headaches years ago. Then I actually collapsed from one and was hospitalised. The doctors say that I should not have been a statistic cos I live a clean life; no smoking, no extra weight, etc.
The good thing about that episode was that it actually cured me from further pain in the head area. I have been taking the blood thinners for years. Almost 10 years being pain free except for the occasional day when I was stressed out.
I figure that I have been stressed out internally for the past few weeks. Being unable to reach JAR except for the few emails received has burdened me more than I know. I begun to have the headache a few days ago.
Yesterday it was so bad that I went to the doctor's. As expected my blood pressure was high. The doctor recommended some headache pills and I am told to take them for the next few days. After which I was to go in to see him again. Well, we'll see.
Work is going on well. Today I did something 'extra'. It felt good to work on an intense basis even though I am already tensed enuff from my personal life's quirks.
Why am I so stressed out?
Well, its cos I am worried about what the future holds. Will I lose what I thought I had? Is the future full of more pain?

Monday, February 11, 2008

anger and pain

I wrote another piece two days ago but decided against publishing it.
Thats the major difference between writing in a blog and writing in your diary.
Nobody gets to read your inner thoughts penned in a diary. The whole world (?) gets to see the inner you via a blog no matter how anonymous you are online.
The reason I decided against publishing was there was alot of pain and anger in that piece. It isnt fair to the person it was directed at to have someone spew venom on him even unknowingly.
I needed to get the feelings out; that was my right. However, my right stops where the other person's right to be faced directly begins.
Yes, my rights have been compromised in the first place. That was what made me angry.
But had I published that piece it would equate to two wrongs. Two wrongs dont make a right.
Maybe I shall let this episode be settled in the way I normally get it done.
Leave it all in God's hands. He will give the best possible results anyways.
I am releasing all the pain and anger like a tyre being punctured of its air.
If someone is hurting me intentionally, God shall give him back each molecule of pain.
If someone is hurting himself and in the process unintentionally gives me pain, may God help him overcome his pain as quickly as is possible.

Friday, February 08, 2008

nephews and future

Thank God for the internet!!! I would have gone crazy if I did not have this oulet that provides me with the anonymity to express my pain, joy, laughter, tears,etc.
Today my nephews came to the condo and we spent some time at the swimming pool. It was an good relaxing time. The boys are teenagers now. I still see the little boys who would run to give me a hug when I visited them. Nowadays we give each other hugs via our emails or when we comment on the other's URLs.
After the swim we lazed in the living area of my condo. We talked about the future and its possibilities. By then my sister had also joined us. Eldest son thinks about doing something in the creative line. He is a good writer and has been so since he was little. He is able to express himself with words. Middle son is a technical freak. He is forever looking at gadgets, taking them apart , finding out how it works. This one will prolly end up an inventor or an engineer. Youngest son is musical but he hasnt reached a point where we can pinpoint where he will end up.
I love these boys.
The first pic of me that I sent to JAR at the initial stages of meeting him was one of me carrying eldest boy. I looked happy in that pic and its possibly the best one of me.
They have their future ahead of them. I pray that they all have a great life, and be happy no matter what they end up doing.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

maze


Its Sunday morning.


The two cute little girls were discharged from the hospital on Friday.


After driving them all home I decided that I needed some pampering. Went to the hair salon and got some highlights. I loved the results! I look refreshed.


I've had a tiring week physically and emotionally. Everyday I would drive straight to the hospital from work. Spent some happy quality time (even tho some days they can get quite cranky) with the nieces. Though it was good, it did drain me physically cos I would have been up since 5 in the morning, been thru the city traffic, work and more work prior to that.


Emotionally I am also in a bind.


JAR is in an anxiety attack mode. He is still bothered by his past experience in marriage. Needless to say, it was not a happy one. Thru him, I learnt what it was to live with a bipolar personality. Apparently, it kills the part of u that trusts a loved one.


JAR is also worried about the changes that is expected of him before marrying me.


I understand the hesitancy but it does not mean I like it.


I am learning the meaning of patience thru a difficult time.


There are things that a person must get over on his own strength and willingness.


Loving alone does not make a marriage. Neither does being afraid.


I too am scared but I havent had the chance to express that. I have had to play the 'strong' role...both to JAR and my family. Its tough being strong.


I AM afraid of the future too.


When my mom is gone, I will be alone...either in terms of life and living.


JAR seems to be the continuation of life for me. We are most comfortable and each other's company. We are best buddies. We fit mentally, emotionally and physically.


We are each not too rich nor too poor for the other.


I can only hope and pray that JAR can move on immediately.


Its February and time is speeding on.


Many times I feel like screaming at him sometimes but it would benefit no one if I did that.

Friday, February 01, 2008

hospital

This has been quite a week. My little nieces are down with viral flu and both had to be hospitalised. My sis-in-law (sil) waited for me to get home (in a rush) to drive them plus mom and maid to the hospital. She did not want to drive cos that would mean leaving her car at the car park all the days they spent there.
Its strange how the insurance companies can delay the processing of the paperwork. We actually had to wait for over an hour for that. I told sil to take the elevator to the paeditrician's office while I continued waiting for the papers. Apparently the insurance company had screwed up by typing an incorrect name for the youngest niece.
After that the private hospital also showed its slow administrative system. It took another 50 minutes before they could get a room. My poor niece was already flat out on the sofa. What if she had been more seriously affected? I dont like hospitals and I hate inefficient ones more.
It is now four days later and the little girls are still in the hospital. Everyday I rush from work straight to see them. Its always a joy to see my precious little ones. They may be cranky and uncomfortable but they make auntie very happy.
Poor sil has not been home all this time. She is tired from lack of sleep and rest. I hope they all get discharged soon. I took need a long rest this weekend. Will I get it?