Casy payback
This could have been a 'cash payback' for complaining about a complaining person that I had met.
Something happened on Monday and it resulted in me being upset with JAR.
Suddenly I found myself falling into a depressed state of mind.
Of course all this was just playing in my mind cos I was still functioning as I normally do.
Chatting, smiling and even cracking the usual jokes when I met my friends and colleagues at work.
But inside I was feeling low.
It is not easy for people to detect when I am feeling that way.
The worst thing was I had before that posted lots of 'happy' notes on my blog, FB and wherever else.
So people were responding to that 'happy' state.
Recently, a lot of stuff had been happening to and around me but I have had to 'not feel' in order to survive .....like getting news of my mom falling very ill whilst I was in Seattle.
There were other happenings too but at each point I had just 'suppressed' the down feelings.
So when a 'downer' happened when things were calmer, I guessed it triggered a 'heavier' downfall than is normal.
Monday night I couldn't sleep and finally dozed off at 2 am but was already up at 4 am.
I knew I was in trouble but my acting skills kept me going thru the day.
I refused to make major decisions that day cos I was aware that it would not be good decisions.
I had emailed JAR that night and by the time I got up he had already replied.
There was actually nothing for me to be upset about as was confirmed by his reply.
I should have been in a euphoric state but unfortunately I kept on feeling low.
I did my work at the office as best as I could.
I wanted to talk to JAR but I could not bring myself to call him.
He had sent me a further 2 emails by the time I got to work.
I just text him a short message on the phone asking him if he was already home from work.
Being depressed is like having a deep deep pain in your heart.
Maybe this is what that complaining lady at the hospital was going thru.
Having met her, I was particularly aware of the point that however down I was I shall NOT transfer that to people around me (Maybe THATS why God let me meet her that day - so that I can learn something from the experience from the onlooker's view point)
JAR called me after he got home from grocery shopping.
Immediately from the sound of my voice he knew I was not my normal self.
He talked me thru and I did a lot of listening.
The misunderstanding was a small one but he did not treat it as unimportant
We spent along time on that phone call.
The following nights I got better sleep.
I am better rested and I am functioning better.
I am fortunate that because of the upbringing I have had, in my lowest hours, I would turn to a higher power.
Others less fortunate might turn to drugs or alcohol.
Feeling low is something everyone has to go thru in order to appreciate the highs.
It is never a permanent feeling and u must make sure that it does not become one.
Something happened on Monday and it resulted in me being upset with JAR.
Suddenly I found myself falling into a depressed state of mind.
Of course all this was just playing in my mind cos I was still functioning as I normally do.
Chatting, smiling and even cracking the usual jokes when I met my friends and colleagues at work.
But inside I was feeling low.
It is not easy for people to detect when I am feeling that way.
The worst thing was I had before that posted lots of 'happy' notes on my blog, FB and wherever else.
So people were responding to that 'happy' state.
Recently, a lot of stuff had been happening to and around me but I have had to 'not feel' in order to survive .....like getting news of my mom falling very ill whilst I was in Seattle.
There were other happenings too but at each point I had just 'suppressed' the down feelings.
So when a 'downer' happened when things were calmer, I guessed it triggered a 'heavier' downfall than is normal.
Monday night I couldn't sleep and finally dozed off at 2 am but was already up at 4 am.
I knew I was in trouble but my acting skills kept me going thru the day.
I refused to make major decisions that day cos I was aware that it would not be good decisions.
I had emailed JAR that night and by the time I got up he had already replied.
There was actually nothing for me to be upset about as was confirmed by his reply.
I should have been in a euphoric state but unfortunately I kept on feeling low.
I did my work at the office as best as I could.
I wanted to talk to JAR but I could not bring myself to call him.
He had sent me a further 2 emails by the time I got to work.
I just text him a short message on the phone asking him if he was already home from work.
Being depressed is like having a deep deep pain in your heart.
Maybe this is what that complaining lady at the hospital was going thru.
Having met her, I was particularly aware of the point that however down I was I shall NOT transfer that to people around me (Maybe THATS why God let me meet her that day - so that I can learn something from the experience from the onlooker's view point)
JAR called me after he got home from grocery shopping.
Immediately from the sound of my voice he knew I was not my normal self.
He talked me thru and I did a lot of listening.
The misunderstanding was a small one but he did not treat it as unimportant
We spent along time on that phone call.
The following nights I got better sleep.
I am better rested and I am functioning better.
I am fortunate that because of the upbringing I have had, in my lowest hours, I would turn to a higher power.
Others less fortunate might turn to drugs or alcohol.
Feeling low is something everyone has to go thru in order to appreciate the highs.
It is never a permanent feeling and u must make sure that it does not become one.
posted by akumangkok at
11:52 AM
7 Comments:
dear june..i was wondering how you were and i feel for you..feeling low is sure a terrible thing but you are right that in this battle, you have been taught to turn to god who understands your pain and also he has given you such a friend as jar to talk to.
you know, it is not like you to be so annoyed at that sick lady and probably deep inside it was worrying you. you are only human though..we have all been there!
and to feel low when your mom was sick too, is such a natural thing.
junie..i haven't told anyone but, i have been worried about mom golden..she is getting weaker and weaker by the day and what i am telling you is that it worries me that bernie and i will be gone for five weeks and my sister gracie who is such a help with mom and dad golden too, will be gone one week in august, the week before we return and so mom golden will have to rely on the other kids for help and they have such busy lives june!
i kind of feel guilty about going. i think i feel like you did when you were so far away and your mom got sick..there was nothing you could do about it but pray but in my case, there IS something i could do...i just shouldn't go!
gracie is going to japan for a week to see her son who has been there for almost two years.
well i had better stop my fretting and tell you that i am really thinking about you and really praying and thanking god that you have a strong shoulder like jar's to lean on....love terry
Hi Terry,
Lots happening over here so I might not be blogging too often for a bit.
Sorry to hear about ur mom Golden getting weaker. I know that helpless feeling that comes to those who love someone in that condition.
Terry, is it possible for u and Bernie to still go on ur vacation (I know u need it!) but to cut it shorter by a week so that u can take over when ur sister Gracie goes off to Japan?
I don't know the logistics of ur vacation plans but that way bot u and Gracie still get to have ur vacation and still have a peace of mind knowing one of u will be around for ur mom.
Looking after an aged loved one can be quite draining even tho u wouldn't want it any other way.So its important for u and Bernie to have a break too.
I sincerely hope u get solution to this soon.
Talk to u later.
June
dear june..i will surely miss your blogging so i guess if i must, i will visit your face book.
i am so rarely there but you are very special to me.
when gracie and us will be away that week in august, dad golden has allowed us to give a key to marta, our spanish friend from church and so she is going to keep an eye on mom and dad golden, and my niece, rachel said she will be in hand too.
you know dad golden phones me every day at seven in the morning and when we go away, he phones us every morning the same time on our cell phone.
it is so funny though..last year when we were in calgary alberta, seven in the morning was four in the morning there!
but that was alright!
i would just roll over and fall fast to sleep again!
tonight we took mom golden to tim hortens and then over to betty and johns..it is good for her to get out and not be sitting at home so much..i think it makes her legs stronger june...and i am glad that you do the same thing for your mom.
it is so important to treat them this way while they are still with us!
well you take care and have a great weekend and i will say howdy to you once in a while on facebook...love you!..love terry
Hi Terry,
Thanks for dropping by at my facebook.
I am pretty busy at work and thus my blog has to be on hold.
Things are going fine.
JAR is off on a work trip across the country.
My mom is getting even stronger but still isn't back to full capacity. That shall happen soon, God willing.
Although I haven't blgged, I do try to check this page often to see if anyone has responded so don't worry I do get to read if u write.
Take care.
June
oh i am glad to hear that your mom is fine june.
i know that your blog is on hold for a while june...please dont worry about it.
i don't mind going to face book to say hi..
bernie and i will be leaving for the west this friday and will be gone for five weeks, but i will try and contact you along the way when there is a place that we can use our lap top.
take care of yourself, june and if you don't mind, i will comment here every so often.
who knows..this post you did here might get the largest amount of comments..ha!
god bless you dear friend...love terry
Hi Terry,
Have a good trip and travel safe (over here we always include the word 'safe' in our wishes) We say 'Selamat jalan' (meaning Safe Journey).
Its always exciting to go on a trip, isn't it? Take lots of pics and put them up on ur blog or ur facebook so we can enjoy them with u :)
Take care.
June
thank you so much june for your
'selamat jalan'.
i really appreciate it because i do get a bit scared.
it is just amazing..the four or five times we went by motorcycle, i wasn't afraid..i guess the older a person gets, the more afraid we get, eh?
we visited mom golden tonight and she is in good shape.
i told her that whenever she wants to phone us, just dial our cell phone and i will talk to her.
dad golden phones us every day at seven even when we are travelling but i told mom she can call too.
thanks for your well wishes junie..
how was it that i never knew you for so many years!.i am indeed blessed to have you as a friend...love terry
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