ahead

As the days pass, I keep wondering if the changes that we hope for will ever be.

Both JAR and I seemed to be 'tested' on our health this year. Minor ailments such as the flu, a cough, a cold started the year. Then it progressed to more trying conditions such as the eyes, the UTI, the chest, etc. The worst, however is over and we look forwards to healthier times ahead.

Whilst all this is going on, JAR is also fighting his demons....brought about by a past partner who is a bipolar. I could do nothing to help him with this. It was not just because of our physical distance but there are some things you have to personally conquer. Some days I felt so helpless. Other days I even got angry. Why do I have to face this when it wasnt my act that created this? Why could he not be a stronger person and differentiate the possible future to be a thing apart from the horrible past? Those days I was glad of the physical distance. I could concentrate on my own life in peace.

Initially I was also bothered by my family's expectations. We have not gotten anyone in the immediate family (read siblings; many cousins/uncles have already done so) marrying someone outside our culture. Things we take for granted turns out to be something that requires a three page explaination when the potential partner is a foreigner.

The paper work and procedures required initially overwhelmed me. All that stress probably contributed to quite a bit of my poor health this year.

Three months into the new year and I dont think we have done much in terms of preparation. JAR is still in twilight zone though he does attempt to come out of it once a while. I feel very alone at times.

Other times however, I feel very blessed with what I do have. Compared to many I have so much to look forwards to.

The future holds so many promises no matter which road I take.

I could remain where I am and still there will be changes. My place of residence will change; my focus will probably be just my life.

If JAR snaps out of it in time (before I give up on him; which may be sooner than what we both expect), then my life will also change. There will be new variables and I then become part of a different world from what I know it as is today.