Casy payback

This could have been a 'cash payback' for complaining about a complaining person that I had met.

Something happened on Monday and it resulted in me being upset with JAR.
Suddenly I found myself falling into a depressed state of mind.
Of course all this was just playing in my mind cos I was still functioning as I normally do.
Chatting, smiling and even cracking the usual jokes when I met my friends and colleagues at work.
But inside I was feeling low.
It is not easy for people to detect when I am feeling that way.
The worst thing was I had before that posted lots of 'happy' notes on my blog, FB and wherever else.
So people were responding to that 'happy' state.

Recently, a lot of stuff had been happening to and around me but I have had to 'not feel' in order to survive .....like getting news of my mom falling very ill whilst I was in Seattle.
There were other happenings too but at each point I had just 'suppressed' the down feelings.
So when a 'downer' happened when things were calmer, I guessed it triggered a 'heavier' downfall than is normal.

Monday night I couldn't sleep and finally dozed off at 2 am but was already up at 4 am.
I knew I was in trouble but my acting skills kept me going thru the day.
I refused to make major decisions that day cos I was aware that it would not be good decisions.
I had emailed JAR that night and by the time I got up he had already replied.
There was actually nothing for me to be upset about as was confirmed by his reply.

I should have been in a euphoric state but unfortunately I kept on feeling low.
I did my work at the office as best as I could.
I wanted to talk to JAR but I could not bring myself to call him.
He had sent me a further 2 emails by the time I got to work.
I just text him a short message on the phone asking him if he was already home from work.

Being depressed is like having a deep deep pain in your heart.
Maybe this is what that complaining lady at the hospital was going thru.
Having met her, I was particularly aware of the point that however down I was I shall NOT transfer that to people around me (Maybe THATS why God let me meet her that day - so that I can learn something from the experience from the onlooker's view point)

JAR called me after he got home from grocery shopping.
Immediately from the sound of my voice he knew I was not my normal self.
He talked me thru and I did a lot of listening.
The misunderstanding was a small one but he did not treat it as unimportant
We spent along time on that phone call.

The following nights I got better sleep.
I am better rested and I am functioning better.
I am fortunate that because of the upbringing I have had, in my lowest hours, I would turn to a higher power.
Others less fortunate might turn to drugs or alcohol.
Feeling low is something everyone has to go thru in order to appreciate the highs.
It is never a permanent feeling and u must make sure that it does not become one.

Complains and blessings

First, about the hospital visit.
It went ok, they set my next mammogram visit for December.
My story is not so much about my medical state but more about a woman whom I met there.
Actually I had written about it to JAR so I shall just copy and paste part of it here...

".....Now I must relate to u about this sad pathetic woman who I met at the hospital today.
She was seated next to me and was called in to see the doctors who were in the same room as mine (over here, two specialists share a room when they see patients cos there are so many).
She looks a lot older than me. She seemed so burdened and unhappy.
She was crying and complaining and whining when she saw her doctor, saying I am all alone....I am scared...blah blah blah

Then I felt angry with her. The truth is all of us there had something wrong with our bodies. We were all scared too but we were not making such a drama about it. Later when I was waiting to make my appointment for my mammogram in Dec, she actually approached me and was asking questions about me and trying to compare our operation dates, etc. I did NOT want to spend much time with such an unhappy soul. I left as quickly as I could.
Maybe this makes me not a very nice person but to me maintaining an optimistic outlook is important.
Nobody wants to be with a complaining person.
Things may be bad for u but u just try to overcome it.
Everyone faces challenges - so never think u alone have it bad.
Hehehe....NOW I am complaining to u!....."

See. Sometimes I am not very nice, am I?
I try to be thankful for all my blessings; and there are always so many blessings even when we are being tested again and again.

One of the blessings I felt this weekend is seeing my mom get a lot healthier.
She actually requested that I drive her to do some errands.
We went to her rental property to pick up some bills.
We went to the bank for her to do some investing.
We even did a bit of grocery shopping.
I am so happy to see my mom getting stronger by the day.
She still tires easily but her spirits are up and she IS getting stronger.

After that excitement of driving my mom around, I had a bad headache and spent the rest of Saturday in bed.

Sunday also went well.
My mom was feeling strong enough to join us for our breakfast outing.
It was almost like old times. :)

I went back to my condo and attended an informal meeting with some condo owners.
There is some problems with the Condo Committee and there will be an extraordinary meeting soon.
I needed to attend today's meeting to understand what is going on.

Looking forwards to a great week.

Lucky me, I know

Its never been easy for me to get over the end of my vacation times even when I was a kid.
Being older now, I guess I am able to hide my true feelings better.
Deep inside I feel the sadness like the loss of a close friend.

This time I also have to adjust coming home to a slightly 'different' mom.
She is always tired and spends alot of time in bed.
My mom's kids and grandkids gathered for a potluck high tea on Saturday.
That was a good move cos it encouraged my mom to get up and join us at the dinner table.

Since I have been home I have gotten quite a bit done.
My car has been fully serviced and I had the brake pads replaced. I also finally got the reason why the ABS lights were coming on at odd times. Finally I got a smart supervisor at the service center who detected the faulty lever thingy. All that cost me money but I consider it well spent.
I also got the cleaning people to come clean my condo. Its been a month since I was able to get that done. My house is now clean again!
I got my favourite hiking boots repaired and I am so glad that they are still usable. Those boots have been with me to so many places on this earth.

After a happy time like this vacation, I can't help but feel a bit 'empty' and at a loss.
My common sense tells me that I am such a lucky person, living such a full life.
My family, my job, my condo, my car, my everything is right here and they are all functioning for my well being.
I also have great friends who welcome me for those times that I need a change.
Not many people can make similar claims in their life.

Vacation 2010 - Part 2

Tomorrow is my last day here in LA for this trip.
It has been quite a vacation.
We had an amazingly 'smooth' time in Alaska, Canada and Seattle.
Admittedly I got sea sick on the first two days on the ship but I was prepared.
I took the sea sick pills and got over it fast.
When the ship is in open seas, the waves are much rougher but once it goes into the inlets, its really an easy ride.
The weather was cold and many a time I was wearing 5 layers of clothing including underwear but I just love the experience of it all.
I survived the 6 mile hike in Juneau.
In fact I did very well and was walking alongside the front runners.
JAR and RBR were always walking fast.
WBR is walking alot slower now. His brothers suspect that he either has some leg pains or is experiencing the effects of age.
Being comparatively short, their one and a half step equals my one step so it handicaps me when I go on a hike with them.
My leg behaved beautifully and I have (touch wood!) not had a single day of pain at all.
I believe the extra clean Alaskan air has helped my body rejuvenate.
Maybe it has even cured me of some of my ills!

I met RBR's daughter LR who actually live in San Francisco when she drove us all to the airport. LR is getting married on my birthday this year!!! I won't be able to come cos it will not be around my vacation time.
I met RBR's wife RR when she came to the airport to pick us up after the trip. RR is an animal lover who picks up sick strays and cures them even tho the vet says that they cannot survive. She doesn't like to travel much cos she doesn't want to leave the animals (horses, dogs, cats, parrots, etc). I noticed that RR and RBR has improved communications after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. When I first met RR she was a slim beautiful woman but has gained weight since. She and RBR must have gone thru some rough spots but the surely the silver lining of his falling ill is that they appreciate their spouses better.

WBR is still very set in his ways. His brothers tease him about it. He doesn't communicate much with strangers but thank goodness I have always gotten along well with him. I believe he has a lonely life.
I tell JAR that WBR should have had a different life.
Their late dad was a rich farmer and as the eldest son, WBR should have inherited and become a farmer.
Sadly the father was a strict man and I think what should have been WBR went to his favourite daughter and her husband whom the dad took a liking to.
WBR never married. He moved to California to be with his brothers and continues to farm. His brothers have succesful careers and did well for themselves. However I can see how much the brothers love and care for WBR.
This close family ties with its happy and unhappy stories further draws me to JAR's family.

The only downer for this trip was the news of my mom taking ill.
Now my sisters are taking turns to care for her at night at the hospital.
I pray that she will be fully recovered by the time I get home.

JAR has been absolutely wonderful to me.
Besides the little presents that arrived via the UPS man, he has showered me with attention and companionship.
I like what he has made of his life now.
It took him alot of theraphy sessions to overcome alot of pain gathered from an unhappy marriage to a borderline personality.
His family welcomes me.
His friends welcome me.
Even his therapist welcomes me.
I asked JAR to take me to see his therapist after my mom fell ill.
I was hurting inside because I was so far away at this time.
I had spoken to this therapist when JAR brought me there after my dad died.
It was good to discuss with both of them.
Every visit I make here, there will be tears on the last night/day.
Hopefully not so this time.

Alaska!

This will be a short write up.
I am in a hotel in Seattle.
We just arrived this morning after a week's cruise of Alaska.
Juneau, Skagway, Glacier Bay, Ketchikan, Victoria.
Yup Alaska and Canada.
Both RBR and WBR are doing great.
RBR actually drove the jeep on our cross country and canoe outing.

While we were at the Fish Ladder this afternoon I got a text message from my brother.
My mom has just been hospitalised.
She has contacted Denggi Fever.
Maybe it was on the Highlands trip?
I tried to call her but could not get thru.
I spoke to my brother who says she is resting.
She has not slept well for the past three days.
The good thing is she is in hospital and will get good medical care.
The bad thing is I am thousands of miles away and am not due back for over a week more.