Saturday, January 26, 2008

long distance scenario

For those who have never experienced a long distance relationship, u are probably the luckier people. Yet in many ways, u may also be the ones who have lost out on the intense feelings and experiences of meeting again after some time apart.
Somedays I get to feel so lonely that I have to scream into my pillows. I am unable to see, touch, smell or taste him for months at a time.
Thank god for the phone so I am able to at least hear him but even that is not as often as I would want to. Unfortunately he is one of those geniuses with his work. When he is 'into' setting up of a machine or program, he is lost to the real world. I have to stand at the sideline and wait for a pause of the work to get his full attention.
I on the other hand am the type who when given or driven to a task will put my heart into getting it ready within a dateline. Intense. Yup, I am that.
What happens when Ms Intense pairs up with Mr Work Mad?
Right now I have so many plans to complete, dates to set, work to delegate, family to please. Being so far apart leaves most of decision making in my hands but I know I need his OK on most of the stuff. There are many times when I am unable to reach him. Either due to the time differences ( I would never want to wake him up just for some discussion....cos I personally never want to be awoken for that purpose), or the phone is left unanswered when he is concerntrating on his projects. Grrrrrrrrr.
Emails? Yup we do that on a consistent basis. Only problem is when a gal writes she takes 5 lines to explain one small thing but a guy does it using three words!
So what is the purpose of today's writing? Complaining? Letting off steam?
Some of the above perhaps.
One thing about our relationship is there is a give and take practice between us. Sometimes I give 70% and he gives 30% but then I take that 75% from it as compared to him taking only 25%.

thankful


I am at a good place right now.
Its not perfect (perfection is over rated anyways).
When things do not move at the speed that we want, we just be thankful that its moving in the direction that we had prayed for.
We have our loved ones, we have our health, God is looking after all our wants and needs.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

First Step

JAR took the first major step today. He spoke to my mom about us.
Mom and I went to a nearby restaurent for breakfast. This is our routine for the weekends. Today was a public holiday so we decided to have breakfast before a shopping stint. As I was parking the car, my phone rang. It was JAR who was on his way home from work. (see the time differences between our place of residence?)
The program that JAR is currently preparing is causing him some problems so I actually hadnt heard from him for a few days. There were emails however to keep the connection on.
I was trying to talk to JAR and give my breakfast order from the menu at the same time...and decided that it was safer to pass the phone to Mak for JAR to say hi.
Actually I had informed both mom and JAR a few days ago that they probably need to talk to each other. I didnt think JAR would choose this moment to do so. I do know that they were both nervous about what to say to the other. I dont know which of the two was more scared! JAR on what to say, mom on whether she could understand JAR over the phone or whether he could understand her eastern english.
I heard mom say " thats a good idea!"
Later I found that it was in response to JAR's telling her about our marital plans.
I guess any mother would be pleased when approached by a guy for her daughter's hand.
Mom was as pleased as a cat who just had a dish of tasty full cream milk after that call.
I texted JAR a message thanking him for making my mom happy.
There are many more hurdles to go thru after this.
But this is the FIRST step.
JAR did it! And mom understood him!
I am proud of them both!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Building a home

Can any house be a home? I guess it can cos when some one builds a house (even like the one above), they do intend to make it a home.
JAR and I each have our own houses in our countries. Of course he no longer owns the big beautiful castle like house that he built. A divorce does that to many people....u end up fighting over material stuff in an attempt to make up for your emotional failures. In this case, the house ended up being sold and guess who got the profits? Yup, the unscrupulous lawyers!
Frankly, I prefer a JAR without that house. I know he did have alot of attachments to it; having spent many many parts of his life building it, plus getting into debt in the process. However, that house also is very much a part of his previous life.
For us to start ours, we have to find a new one.
My condo is waiting to have its owners fully utilise it. Its a beautiful (in my eyes), functional place that has the wind blowing into the family room via the glass balcony doors. Currently it is under utilised. I use it over the weekends mostly cos I cant bear to leave my mom alone in my late dad's bungalow. I have a couple of spare rooms so family visitors are always welcomed.
JAR currently stays with BWR at his town house. This arrangement was initiated during the castle-house divorce saga phase. BWR has empty rooms and welcomed his brother who was going thru a difficult period to stay. They make good housemates. Each with his own eccentricities yet they care for each other in a way only brothers could.
I suppose that arrangement would have to undergo a change when JAR has new ties made. For the short term, I believe the arrangement would still be suitable. However I always remember my late dad's story of how grand dad was so proud of him when he had secretly arranged for a house immediately after he married mom. Grand dad's words were...all new couples need to have their own private nests, away from their parents and families. Thats the right way to start your family.
It doesnt matter to me where we end up calling home. Home is where the heart is. My heart is where my loved ones are. We dont need a huge house ( I have repeatedly told JAR). I dont want to spend too much time cleaning a huge space. Sometime simple, comfortable, functional, clean and always full of love. Can anyone direct me to this place?

Monday, January 14, 2008

Nine year proposal

We've discussed many areas of the future. Some gets repeated, some lead to arguments, some gets us happy as we reminisce.
I wonder if all couples do this before they make the final decision to get married?
We've agreed that the proposal that happened 9 years ago holds valid.
Allow me a few minutes to relive this experience.
We were at the Butterfly Park. It was JAR's second(?) visit to my place. We had been to a Bird's park prior to that. At the Bird's Park I had accidentally sat on a bench covered with bird poop. My jeans were all dirty and JAR helped me to clean it while he laughed at the sight I made. I was trying my best to look dignified but you never can look dignified when your butt is covered with poop.
We later went to the Butterfly Park. There werent many people around cos it was not a weekend or a public holiday. We moved under nets, looking at the many species with their beautifully colored wings.
The surroundings were beautiful. It was peaceful and quiet. Perfect setting.
We reached a wooden cabana area. Suddenly JAR went on his knees and asked me the question. I was surprised. I never did answer him. I remember that I hugged him.
Now all that happened years ago. Truthfully, the question was not asked at the right times of our lives. We both had alot more to deal with before we were ready for the other.
There were crazy lawyers to deal with, sale of properties to take place, deaths to overcome, aligning ourselves with each other. Yes, many many years before that question would get the right answer.
But we both remember that it was asked. And it was asked with deep sincerity of the heart. Maybe now the time is more appropriate. Maybe its time to answer the question positively.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Forwards 2008!

Its been more than a week since 2008 began and I am just begining to blog again.

Did I make new resolutions? Of course.

2007 ended on a high note. I had expected to end it in tears and final goodbyes but it did not turn out that way. A new path has opened the way. I hope that 2008 will show me that this is the new direction that my life will now take.....and not one that just leads to a dead end.

I dont want to lose any of the good parts of life that I already have to date. However, I feel ready for new ties and experiences

For a long while in my life, I had felt complete on my own. now I am begining to feel less so and more ready to adjust and accept another being other than just me.

JAR is now very busy getting his latest programme completed. His mind is working all the time even during our phone calls. I am used to this and will look forwards to when his work task has subsided and he can focus on our stuff.

Work for me is also now entering a high speed zone.